I've been looking at this message for the past four years: "You are liable for any misuse of the contents of the advice".

Some of you may recognize this as the warning that all Chinese ATMs give you if you have the temerity to ask for a printed transaction record. It's also printed on the backs of the transaction slips themselves. There is a Chinese equivalent as well, although I seldom see it since I'll still lazily choose English service at an ATM if it's on offer. This is despite the fact that there are about four times the number of services available when you select Chinese at an ATM, betraying the Chinese banking system's deep suspicion that all foreigners in China are either tourists or carpetbagging short-timers with no need of sophisticated banking services. Or, perhaps, that speaking Chinese should be a pre-requisite for access to sophisticated banking services.

Of course, "sophisticated services from the Chinese banking system" is just one of the many oxymorons that cloud up the air around state-owned bank branches like that white poplar fuzz that fills Beijing's air every April and gets up your nose. Another one is "Bank of China Wealth Management". As it happens, the receipt that made me think of this came from the ATM in the Bank of China Wealth Management office in Oriental Plaza. I was just there for the ATM. I don't qualify for "wealth managment". I barely qualify for piggy bank management. I am also not sure why there is even an ATM in the wealth management office. Don't rich people get their money in the form of a briefcase full of Krugerrands while Russian prostitutes massage fragrant oils into their feet? I have no idea how wealth management actually works, but that's kind of what I imagine.

But let's not dwell on this. Back to the warning on the ATM receipt. I'd never really thought about it much. Just another institutional warning from a bureaucracy that speaks mostly in warnings.

In fact, at first glance the phrasing made me feel a little jilted. "Advice" makes it sound like you might get some useful information along the lines of a fortune cookie aphorism or lifestyle coaching. You will soon be RMB1000 poorer. Pay more attention to your wife, she's thinking of having an affair. That color tie makes your skin look sallow. You have blackheads. Buy copper futures. But the contents of my advice were nothing like that. They consisted of a numerical code for the account type (a worrying "-10" in my case, which suggests that I am still a ways from wealth management), a branch number (142), a serial number (000852), a partially redacted account number with four of the last five digits replaced with asterisks (you'll understand that I won't post that on the Internet), marks to indicate that it was a withdrawal and that it was (thankfully) accepted, the withdrawal amount (RMB1000), and something cryptically called "reference" (P000000).

I'm not sure how this information could be abused. In theory there might be some slight risk to the account number getting into the wrong hands, although with four digits hashed out odds are slim that ne'erdowells would land on your account. But my experience with Chinese banks suggest that they err on the side of conservatism when it comes to security since any transaction I engage in at a branch requires an ATM card or a passbook, both of which have PINs, as well as enough personal documentation to apply for immigration into Switzerland. Plus, Bank of China's pathological balkanization means that serious transactions often require my physical presence at my home branch. That's why in my case it's really better thought of as "Bank of China, Guomao". That keeps my expectations under control.

As far as I can tell, there are only a handful of ways I could misuse the "advice", all of which are firmly rooted in its physical form:

  • Roll it up and use it to snort up a bunch of coke
  • Write dangerous political messages on it, fold it into a tiny paper airplane and throw it over the wall of the Zhongnanhai leadership compound
  • Set fire to it and drop it into the gas tank of the nearest black Audi

That's why I suggest that Chinese ATMs include a much more specific warning both on the ATM screens and printed on the backs of the receipts:

Bank of China notice: 

  • Do not roll up your advice and use it snort up a bunch of coke
  • Do not write dangerous political messages on your advice, fold it into a tiny paper airplane and throw it over the wall of the Zhongnanhai leadership compound
  • Do not set fire to your advice and drop it into the gas tank of the nearest black Audi

See? Much more useful. I'll expect Bank of China to raise my deposit interest rate out of gratitude forthwith.