It must really chafe the Chinese Department of Moonshots, or whatever bureaucracy owns the lunar program, that Chinese netizens have been questioning the authenticity of their moon photo. Surely they would have expected to be derided by arrogant foreigners determined to take China down a peg. But from their own corner? Well that just hurts.

They should have seen it coming. Any cursory study of the American space program will reveal that it has been dogged by conspiracy theories since the moment we stole it from the Germans.

Of course, any discussion about who invented rocketry (or paper money, the printing press, bureaucracy, summer knitwear, precious yappy dogs or tongue scrapers) invariably ends with China which, as we have all learned, was firing off rockets while Europeans were still using pieces of flint to pick the lice from their armpits. But as Wehrner von Braun would no doubt tell you, there's a big difference between firing off a rocket that is meant to blow up 200 feet in the air and firing off one that is meant to land a square-jawed midwestern test pilot on the moon.

So the Chinese, who stand on the threshold --historically speaking-- of landing the Chinese version of a square-jawed Midwestern test pilot on the moon, have every right to be proud of having orbited the moon and taken lovely photos. And also of having repackaged those photos into merchandise with little time wasted. They have come full circle since Song dynasty generals were using "fire arrows" blow the faces off the Mongol hordes. Or at least to alarm their horses.

And it doesn't matter that it's been done before. The old moon shot idea never loses its luster.

Well, technically that's not true. Americans, who even in the early 1970s had the attention spans of Chihuahua dogs on Benzedrine, got bored with the miracle of moon landings in about the space of a normal television season (and this was when a TV hour was still a whopping 52 minutes). NASA had to threaten to blow up an astronaut charismatic enough to later be played by Tom Hanks to rekindle any kind of interest, and even that was fleeting. If I had been Nasa I would have sustained interest by filling every Apollo rocket with kittens and six-year-old girls named "Cindy Lou" and having one out of three go up on the pad like a burning oil well. Now that's good TV.

But in the absence of government approval to incinerate gap-toothed children and small fuzzy animals in name of television ratings scientific progress, there needs to be another way to stimulate ongoing interest in space programs. And that's where conspiracy theories come in. Rather than deride them as loony vapours hatched by paranoids living in their grandmothers' basements, the world's space programs need to embrace conspiracy theories as just about the only thing keeping the fizz in space exploration. It need scarcely be noted than in the absence of a little intrigue, modern space programs are about as interesting as watching bulk freighters unload tonnes of soybeans down at the docks. (Although with the US shuttle fleet rapidly deteriorating into a bunch of rocket-powered Sopwith Camels, I must confess a little of the old thrill is returning.)

Where the Chinese have erred is in not in having a conspiracy theory, but in not having a good enough conspiracy theory. Seriously, "You stole the photo from Nasa!" is the best you can manage? I suppose the Mesopotamians, and probably not the Chinese, invented the conspiracy and, perforce, the conspiracy theory. But the Chinese must still have a fairly grand tradition thanks to two thousand years of imperial dynasties. What else does a palace full of eunuchs have to do, after all? So, suck it up people, you can do better than that.

In fact, if I was China, I would be scandalized at America's continuing lead in the conspiracy theory department. America got so good at space program conspiracy theories that it had to devote an entire Hollywood movie to them. People of my generation will remember 1978's "Capricorn One" as the movie in which the Mars shot (read: moon shot) was faked, James Brolin had to drink snake blood to survive, and OJ Simpson was hunted down like a dog in the desert by helicopters (unfortunately not for real). Or, if you're lucky, you won't remember any of this and you'll have saved your brain cells for Peter Hyam's more quality output, such as "Outland" and "Blue Thunder".

Anyway, Imagethief expects to see a better class of conspiracy theory coming from the Chinese masses, especially as the Chinese moon program progresses. In fact, in order to give the Chinese a head start on this, Imagethief is pleased to provide absolutely free of charge four starter ideas for Chinese space program conspiracy theories:

  • Yang Liwei, China's first astronaut, was actually blown up on the pad and the person now masquerading as him is either (paranoia level 1) his twin brother/an actor in makeup or (paranoia level 2) an animatronic robot or (paranoia level 3) a space alien.
  • China's rocket program was not progressing and the Chinese government secretly had to pay NASA 100 billion dollars (say it lasciviously, like Austin Powers' Dr. Evil) for the technology, which worked out well for both sides because NASA's budget is being cut.
  • If option two isn't racy enough, I give you this: China's rocket program is based largely on technology recovered from a spacecraft that crashed in Tibet in the early fifties. The Chinese occupation of Tibet was actually a cover operation for recovery of the spacecraft. It took nearly fifty years to work out the gizmos and incorporate them into working rockets, but things are progressing now.
  • When China destroyed an "aging satellite" earlier this year they were actually aborting the launch of an experimental space weapons platform that had gone dangerously out of control and was spiraling toward (pick one) Zhongnanhai / the White House / an orphanage / the Oriental Pearl Tower / a bunny rabbit farm. The American government went along with the story to justify increased weapons spending and media were too slow to pick up the real story.

Ok, Imagethief has shown the way. Chinese netizens can take it from here.

Capricorn

Well, only a little shocked. 

Elsewhere:

Danwei: Trust us, we're from the space administration: Danwei translates a Southern Metropolis Daily interview with China's space administration: 

Southern Metropolis Daily: There has been some online controversy lately concerning the Chang'e lunar photo; people are particularly concerned with the "extra" crater that is missing on the American photo. One netizen suggested that this is the result of an error in stitching the mosaic....
Ouyang Ziyuan: There are two parts to this issue. First, whether China's photo is genuine is a question of principle; there is absolutely no room for wild speculation—that is an insult to our nation, a denial of the fruit of the labors of 17,000 people. This is a question of principle. I hope that you can understand this point.

Imagethief respectfully disagrees with Ouyang Ziyuan. There is obviously lots of room for wild speculation.